02-08-02
It sure has been awhile, and I have a lot to share if time permits. I don't EVEN know where to start.
Guess I'll start with work. Things are really going well there. I think I am actually liking my job again. My new boss is great to work for. My coworkers seem to be developing a new found team spirit. And my former manager, who stepped down to assistant manager, seems to be in a much better frame of mind. He is a good man. I think he just had more on him than he could stand. He is from the old school and all the changes (which I was welcoming) were too fast and rough on him. It seems that the older people get, the more they should realize that life is about change; nothing remains constant except change. I think perhaps it gets to the point that people get tired and simply refuse to accept any more change. I assume one day I will, too. But it sure is nice to see him actually content.
Frustration is a very dangerous, contagious disease. God knows I have been a "carrier" for the past couple years. I am glad that God forgives. I truly believe that worry is one of the most deadly sins, because it sneaks in without us realizing what an insult it is to God. Would we not be hurt and insulted if our little children lay awake at night crying and worrying if they would have food tommorrow? How would they earn or get food? We have a tendency to have more faith in ourselves than we have in God. I believe that is a strong weakness in mankind.
As for my family, not much has changed. My husband is still off injured. Another surgery would leave him unable to turn his head. He would STILL be disabled, but have less quality of life. My son still hasn't found another job, due to our sagging economy. I do fear that this is the biggest emotional trama he has ever had to deal with, although I am STILL glad he no longer works for dishonest people. I KNOW it will work out to the best for him in the long run, but the first time a person gets shafted by their employer, it damages their sense of pride. They take it VERY personal. I did, even though it was different circumstances. But I am better for it today, and now I realize that THEY lost a good employee through their own prejudice acts. But at the time, I doubted my self worth and I HATE for him to go through that.
This is my weekend off work. If all goes as planned, I will be at Dad's by Sunday. It's about time. I haven't even taken Christmas gifts up yet. It sure will seem strange without Mom there. Down here, I guess I sometimes pretend that She is still there. I guess it's just survival. Guess I'd best get off here & make some preparations or I'll never make it up there. I DO miss my Daddy. I look forward to seeing him; and my sisters.
I hope to get back to this soon. Until then; I will leave you with a poem.
MISPLACED GLORY
I know there is a reason
for everything that You do.
Yet we always grumble
about all that we go through.
I guess my biggest sin
is the way that I always worry.
I assume that I can fix anything
and that keeps me in a hurry.
All of this misplaced glory
eventually cuts me down to size.
Once exhausted and unaccomplished,
I realize I've been unwise.
Down to a crawl I turn;
too tired to persue my own demands.
Now beaten, with a broken spirit,
I drop it all in your loving hands.
Suddenly I recieve an inner peace
which only You can give.
I'm sure I'll keep repeating this cycle;
but only as long as I live.
written by: me
02-19-02
Been a little while, but I'll be breif tonight. Guess I really AM finally content with my job. I recieved a phone call Thurs. morning from a local dealership. This came as a total surprise to me, since I had never been in the place and didn't know anyone there. Seems their parts pro had suffered a brain himorage and they needed someone to fill the position. I couldn't help going over to inquire about it. I still don't know why he called me - wouldn't say who recommended me. Now, a good old Mon. through Fri. job is hard for me to turn down, especially as tired as I've been lateley from pounding that concrete. I nearly fainted when he said, "and this will be your office", complete with desk, CHAIR, and computer. He gave me an application to bring home and fill out over the weekend. I did. Only a nut would turn this down. Right? Well, I have already admitted to being a nut. I called today to let him know I appreciated the offer, but will stay where I am. Guess I'll regret it at times, like when I can't go to sleep for leg cramps and throbbing feet, but running my tale off in that store does exactly that. I am 40 years old, weigh 125, and am in pretty good shape. Yes, it's a HUGE new Chrysler dealership, and everything there is in order. Yes, it would be nice to do a little sitting throughout the day. Yes, I am a nut. But I like what I do, and as long as my body allows it, I will work where I am. Those guys were VERY understanding when I lost mom, sent beautiful flowers, and my boss told me to take as long as I needed. When the roads got icy a couple days this winter, he was understanding about my not wanting to get out and told me to stay home. I LIKE working for him, and will stay where I am. Some people would probably call me a fool, but as flattered as I was that they called me, I am also loyal to those who treat me right (That hasn't required a lot of loyalty in my life). Besides, with the economy as it is, this is no time to be changing jobs. I am already vested in my retirement plan where I am, and intend to work there until I retire. THAT is sure a different song than I sang a year ago. A lot has changed since then; especially me. But I'll save that for a time when I have some time alone (like never), Guess I'll sit in front of the TV awhile with hubby, until time to sleep. Back to work tommorrow. GOSH! Can't believe I turned that job down! Guess my work life suits me fine the way it is. And my son got a job at the local Walmart in the auto dept. At least that's something good. SEEYA!
2-25-02
Guess my mind is traveling in different circles a lot lately. Perhaps I'm tired of "life as I know it", or perhaps I am just plain tired. Oh, work is great. But seems to me as though there should be laughter at home, too. I am flat out tired of this situation - I work everyday; he stays home. Dinner is cooked most nights. Someone said to me a few days ago, "Your husband caters to you. You seem to have it good". So it seems. But this is surely not the way it was supposed to be. I guess where I grew up in the old school, it is difficult to respect such an arrangement. Guess I'm just an old fashioned girl after all. After all my talk of equal rights, equal pay, etc. I still believe in that. But I also still believe in a traditional family. I hate the way this has turned out for me. I have tried my level best to work and acomplish dreams, even though mine have been elusive for quite some time. I surely never counted on an all work and no play existance; and CAN'T live that way. That's just being alive; not living.
Anyway, here's another one of my poems that I wrote not too long ago. Hope you enjoy it.
SEEYA!
HIS EYES
His eyes are still and shadowed.
He shows kindness to everyone.
He really seems quite happy;
just a man having fun.
But there's something in his eyes
that shows he's different inside.
He quickly turns them away from mine.
What is he trying to hide?
Is he hiding discontent,
or shame for something he's done?
Or is he having shameful thoughts?
Is this why he has to run?
His laughter rings out loudly;
still, there's a sadness in his eyes.
Something is burning him up inside
that he outwardly denies.
The eyes are the windows to the soul.
His windows are covered in stain.
I hope that someday they'll sparkle
and be cleansed of all their pain.
written by me
03-04-02
It is 11PM and I won't be here long. Seems every moment spent trying to unwind is resented, so it takes away the ability to unwind. But if I wait until there is not a watch on me, I will never return. Maybe one day, this PC will be in the corner with my guitar and other luxuries I have long since given up on. I went to work today in a sorry mood, but was well over it about an hour after I got there. I've been home an hour and have already lost my smile. Oh well. Guess that's just life. But I DID want to stop in here for a stolen moment. Seems there are larger gaps between my entries lately. Not a lot to talk about. Things are good at work, and on the home front, no changes.
I have to go for my first mamogram tommorrow. I really dread it. I've heard horror stories about them things! But I have to try to take care of myself. Guess I've put this off long enough. I am SUCH a coward when it comes to pain. I have had enough to do me a lifetime. It seems senseless to go ASK for more. This is the biggest reason I kept putting this off. But, it may protect me from worse future pain.
Guess I'd best get off here. Can't relax anymore. I hate feeling like I have a stopwatch on me at all times. LATER.
03-11-02
Been awhile, so time to move to the next page. LOTS on my mind & figured this as good a place as any to unload (somewhat).
